SHAREABODE: I WANTED TO HELP SINGLE PARENTS FROM BECOMING HOMELESS
I will never forget the morning that I put my plans into actions. My plans to leave the father of my children. I will always remember the difficulty I had with swallowing, the shaking of my hands, the nausea, the butterflies in my stomach and the 1000’s upon 1000’s of thoughts that rushed through my head. I was so scared that he would walk through the door, forgetting something he needed for work, and catch me mid packing the car.
I told my son who was 2 years and 4 months old that morning, as he ate his breakfast, that mummy was packing for a long holiday away for all of us, except daddy as he had to stay and work. His sister who was 3 months old, watched me from her rocker as I squeezed as many essentials as I could for all of us, into the car, including my 10 year old dog. The car was full to the brim. I had timed the leaving at nap time for both kids because I had a few hours driving head of me because I wanted to make sure they slept soundly through it.
As I drove away the destination as far away as possible. I had organised us interstate, pre-booked temporary accommodation, towards what I envisioned to be a peaceful, positive and harmonious single mum life and childhood for my kids, however I didn’t know then just how challenging it would actually be. Leaving a relationship and a man which was controlling, manipulative, suffocating, verbally abusive and continually threatening was in the end one of the easiest choices I made since becoming a mum. It may have taken me a year or so to build the courage, but once the decision was made, it was made.
The following 4 months of my life were overwhelming to say the least and even though I made the choice to become a single mum, it didn’t make it any easier. Between the unrelenting abusive, threatening and harassing emails, texts, phone calls and voicemails from my ex, I was also physically exhausted from a newborn waking every 3 hours for a feed and a 2 year old waking up 1 – 2 times a night for a bottle, with an early rise of 4.30am from him.
I was frazzled, physically exhausted, emotionally overwhelmed and totally alone.
I was only just holding it together. Drinking a bottle of wine a night so I could shut off the thoughts and emotions and actually fall asleep and hiding behind a smile and over-excitement during the day, so my kids didn’t pick up on anything. It wasn’t until the temporary place I was staying at said that they had bookings the next month that I got a shake up and realised that I couldn’t keep being a victim, living in fear and being controlled by a man I’d already left. If I couldn’t find a new place, I would have to beg family and friends to stay with them and that bothered me enough to do something drastic to change things.
I called the Police to let them know what was happening with the continuous phone calls, texts, emails and voicemails. They ended up placing a Police AVO on him, notSimply because of the harassment and verbal abuse but because when they issued him with a warning he abused them right back.
And just like that my phone went silent …
And I could breathe again and gather my thoughts.
Fast forward a few months and with the help of my mum I was able to find a rental, for a year, get furniture and had created a home for myself and my kids. It was peaceful, it was exciting and it was empowering. I had started to meet one or two mums in a mums and bubs fitness class so we had some playdates in the daytime which was good for me and the kids and I was also reading some powerful personal development books between nap times, however there were times when every now and then, I felt frustrated that I had to pack the kids in the car just to go get milk or bread, or that I didn’t have any adults to talk to outside of playdates, the house was fairly large so I spent a good amount of time cleaning it and I felt like it was a bit of a waste of money because we only really used 2 bedrooms out of 4.
I had these thoughts on and off, without much of an answer, until one morning, sitting with a cup of coffee, it dawned on me that I really needed a support system. A support system that was different to asking friends and family every now and then. The reason behind how this and why this had suddenly occurred to me, was because I had just spent an entire night in Emergency because my daughter got really sick, really quickly and I had to rush her to hospital. I also had to take my son, wake him, late at night, because I had no one else to care for him. The whole night was a really rough and emotionally draining juggle between my sick daughter and my scared and tired son.
This thought process was really the beginning of where ShareAbode was born and where my life became very different.
I started asking other single parents questions, online and offline, where they had challenges and how they managed to overcome them. Many had the same challenges as I had. It was hard to juggle everything, it was emotionally overwhelming, it was isolating, and it was financially heavy going. I said, at some point that I should just rent the room of my place out to another single mum who was local and they would get cheap rent and I would pay less in rent and we could help each other with the daily struggles. That made an impact!
Thousands of single parents saying they would try that if they could find the right other single parent and many saying they had already done this at some point and it was a great experience. Some even putting themselves forward for living with me.
ShareAbode is now in its second year of operation and I have been blessed to live with three different single mums throughout my time as a single mum. All of them, myself and my kids remain friends with and have reaped so much from this arrangement. ShareAbode has helped hundreds of single parents connect with one another for sharing a home. Either, personally renting out a room in their home or together finding a rental which suits both their needs. ShareAbode was born out of my necessity to reduce the rent and expenses I had, to find some help logistically and have another adult to talk too that gets what I was going through and brought some relief of isolation.
It did that, I saved $250 per week in rent for almost 12 months and with that managed to put my son into daycare the year after with an upfront amount of $12,000 and it wasn’t from working harder, or dipping more into my savings, or cutting back on essentials. It was from sharing the home I was in with someone else who could benefit.
ShareAbode is well placed to resolve a set of problems that single parents currently face: Expensive housing, high living expenses, challenges with practical everyday support and social isolation. Additionally to this, ShareAbode is a strategic solution for those parents that haven't yet made the leap or have just made the leap: Stuck in domestic violence and abuse or in temporary housing and shelter. I truly believe that ShareAbode gives single parents a profound amount of stress relief which alleviates fatigue and depression, allowing healthier interaction with themselves (self-confidence), with their children and with life in general. It can in fact make a significant difference in the social and economic life of a single parent and their child in the now and in the future with what type of lifestyle they can give themselves and their children.
In order for single parent households to work they spend a considerable proportion of their earnings on childcare and afterschool care to remain in employment as there is no one else to shoulder this parental role. This means they spend less time with their children and have very little money left over. Many single mothers struggle to afford rental payments and will forgo other essentials to survive – food, power, water, healthcare, medication and transport.
If single parents who are in the workforce fall sick or are injured, they cannot go to work which means they lose pay and their bills mount up. If their kids are sick and they can't go to work, they lose more pay, and more debt accumulates. The risk for homelessness increases rapidly over a short period of time. The struggle to find – and keep – affordable housing during single parents core working and child-rearing years affects the quality of later life.
They are unable to build up financial reserves during their careers, single parents, particularly women, end up in their 55’s with few resources to retire on and consequently are becoming one of the fastest growing group facing homelessness.
I truly believes that affordable housing should exist for everyone and shouldn’t be a barrier to building your life. For single parents facing housing stress and practical support, children deserve security of housing. Single parents balancing work and child-rearing need to be able to access affordable housing options while they do one of the most important jobs– raise the next generation. I truly believe ShareAbode is the future of socially sustainable living.
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